Anger, Hurt and Pain.
In the forty-odd years of watching Newcastle United, I've never felt this low. I honestly thought I had been punished from the start of my journey with Richard Dinnis - the "Worst manager to sit in the dug out".
Richard Dinnis was a man who never played professional football and had been a reserve team coach at Blackburn. When Gordon Lee arrived to manage Newcastle he brought Dinnis with him as first team coach. When Lee left for Everton, Dinnis parked his arse into the chair. He was in the chair for 6 months and 21 games with a record of 9 wins, 7 draws and 5 defeats. He survived many boardroom ultimatums, but after criticising the board in the media the axe fell on him.
From that day I thought it could only get better but this rapscallion owner - a man who in 14 years of ownership has inflicted 2 relegations and looking like a third well on its way - has proved me wrong. I wonder what goes on in the thought process of Mr Ashley. He's the owner of one of the biggest supported clubs in the league, the only professional club in the city and a fan base like no other.
My Dad once said to me, "They could wash the players shirts and hang them up to dry on the pitch, and 40,000 would turn up." I just don't get it at all for a man who's successful in business and a prominent name in every house with his portfolio of high street shops and brands. He seems to run the club in a total opposite way. Why, why, why? Only the gentleman himself has the answers.
Here's a few examples that annoyed the fans - the sacking of Chris Hughton, the stadium name change, the appointment of Dennis Wise, Derek Llambias, Pardew's 8-year contract, letting Rafa walk away. He played the biggest joker ever since 'It's a knockout' with the appointment of Mr Steve Efffffing Bruce, 18 months ago.
For a man who has on paper made billions, he's truly excelled himself with this momentous acquisition. The thought that he paid £4M in compensation for a manager who has nothing to offer to football. Let's take a look at maybe why he choose the man. The biggest reason to me, his wages. Rafa on an alleged figure of £6M a year, compared to £1M, a massive saving even when you take the compensation into account Now we know that's what money-mad, Mike, likes.
He's also thought Steve's a Geordie and the fans are bound to love him as he's one of them. They loved Sir Bobby, they worshipped Shearer I'm keeping them happy, I'm giving them one of their own. What Mike forgot was he managed them in the nauseous colours of red and white that team over the water. Sunderland our biggest enemy in football whose demise in football gathers pace each season.
You just have to look at Bruce's managerial record: Sheffield United - resigned, Huddersfield - sacked, Wigan - resigned, Crystal Palace - resigned, Birmingham - resigned, Wigan -resigned, Sunderland - sacked, Hull - resigned, Aston Villa - sacked and Sheffield Wednesday - resigned.
He's been here now 18 months, blaming everyone but himself. The latest is the gloves are off after slagging a team performance which definitely was dishonourable to the clubs crest.
He's not going to walk away from this job as he knows himself his days in football are over.
I'm hurt, annoyed, angry, fuming, I feel bile churning in the depths of my stomach. I want to shout, scream, make my feelings known but will he listen to the fans? He's never really done so in the past. Mike will only take drastic measures when the shit is literally his next footstep in it. That time is here now - he's got the club still up for sale, after the collapse of one take over in the summer. A relegation is the last thing he needs to potential buyers, the price of the club would fall drastically from the £350M figure that's thrown around.
The biggest worry then if he goes ahead with the sacking decision is who's he going to bring to fill that role. The bookies favourite Mark Hughes another neanderthal of the footballing past, he's out of work so he would be cheap and that brings a smile to Mike's face. Eddie Howe a young manger who attracts lots of attention, but he took Bournemouth down last season and quit. Rafa's name is back in the hat, he wants to be back in England but would he want to work with Mike again? And would Mike want a fans favourite back? More names will appear maybe a short-term contract to keep the club up. Nigel Pearson's name comes up, he knows the club. Like I said before only Mr Ashley will decide.
With the club still up for sale with those in the know, reporters, local people giving opinions which every individual has the right to do. We have groups, bloggers "Hello", the point I'm saying is we can all have a say and express our thoughts but only the people who Mike has employed to deal with this are in the know.
We have that blue bird app that at times is so toxic it should carry a health warning, I guess ours is not the only fan base like it. Let's look at a little insight at each one.
The local or national reporters trying to unearth an exclusive, some worse than others with the clickbait reports. We all know it's their job but at times it's painful to view the article. Over the last few weeks even the papers are turning on Bruce.
Individuals and groups next and there is a vast amount I'm not naming any at all. This article is not a witch hunt against anyone at all. Everyone has a right to put their thoughts across, here's me doing an article on the pain and hurt. I'll probably get crap thrown at me if I ever get the blog put out there.
We have Zebra's, bread, join the dots, the word cult been thrown about, also people on payrolls of massive organisations and accused of being Sunderland fans, really?!
We also get words of 'You cannot be a fan if you don't get behind some groups and what they are trying to achieve.' People ask a question and are beset upon and labelled trolls or trawl. People then get abuse aimed at them, I could go on and on, but this is not the reason of this article.
Is it wrong to say, "I'm past caring about the whole takeover saga? I'm past caring about the super fans, I'm past caring about the EPL, I'm past caring about pundits taking the pee".
Do you know the best of all this I've not watched a game this season at all. That's how much Mr Bruce's football means to me. As 'The Boss', Bruce Springsteen sung once, "What is it good for, absolutely nothing".
Can the owner retrieve the situation or is it nailed on relegation for the 20/21 season? Time will always tell.
Personally, I don't think I'll ever grace the stadium again, it will always be in my heart the club always, but my days of spending money on them disappeared many years ago.
I think fans just want a new owner, manger and a team that will give 100% on the pitch. The City of Newcastle deserves that at the very least.